Perimenopause: The One Where I Had Drunk Too Much Tea

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As I find myself approaching month six without a visit from my monthly period I find myself almost holding my breath to see whether this is ‘it’, whether I have passed into the stage of being actually menopausal or whether this is Mother Nature’s idea of a little torment teasing and she will, in fact, be back at some point. Just to put it out there, if she decides to renew our acquaintance on Christmas Day when I have a lot of mouths to feed then I will not be impressed…

I would love to know how ‘the end’ happened for any of you ladies out there who have actually come out the other side and are now in full menopause so do please leave your stories in the comments below as it helps others to get an idea of what to expect too.

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This week I found myself looking up female urination devices. Yes, yes, I know, not exactly a topic for polite society but putting it in with the post on monthlies seemed like a two birds with one stone situation *smiles*. The thing is sometimes a girl has to go. In the UK, even when you hope there is not a soul around for miles, there will be. Usually within shouting distance. As a woman you are probably safer alone in the middle of a wood then you are alone in the middle of an urban area where screams are common place and usually mean nothing especially if you live on a main road as I do. Bizarre but true.

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So going back to the need for a device, let me tell you a story. Years ago I climbed mountains, literally, and when the call of nature meant too many brews had been consumed I found a lonely bush and just got on with it. You climbed a mountain, you paid the privacy price. These days I go geocaching and walking sometimes with the family when I am well enough and, thanks to the perimenopause, that cup of tea I had two hours before the walk is fighting its way out yet again despite going twice before we left home.

So there I was, behind said bush and minding my own business in an ancient wood in the middle of nowhere when some chap on a massive horse (quite possibly a Suffolk Punch only I was too embarrassed to raise my eyes for a good, close look at either of them) called a hello two feet away from me and proceeded to talk about how frosty the day was. I knew this quite well as my behind was exposed to the elements and a nasty looking nettle but I couldn’t rise or I would risk…exposure. I retorted that the day was most agreeable and bade him a pleasant morning and tried to look usefully employed down behind a bush. We waited whilst the horse relieved itself and he made off with a wave of his hand.

He knew what I was doing. Of course he knew. It was probably his wood.

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So I have decided it might be better for someone to come across a woman of a certain age peeing up against a tree…a sort of a modern Victorian curiosity if you like. Hopefully no pictures will appear on Facebook entitled “Now I Have Seen Everything!” but better that than a random photo of my ever expanding menopausal bottom with the same headline. A girl has to have some self pride. Peeing up a tree can at least be seen as an accomplishment..yes?

Therefore I have been trying to decide between a flashy longer pipe for superior aim or a short stubby one which won’t draw such admiring glances when I want to be alone. Is bigger best or is it really all about what you do with it? Will I regret keeping it simple if I come across another woman using the same tree whose girth is more substantial and whose aim is better? Having said that I won’t want to reuse it many times so should I go for quality or quantity? Do I collect and bank or pee and flee? You can see my dilemma.

Choosing the right device is a lot more difficult than I thought and I really don’t want to cock it up.

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22 thoughts on “Perimenopause: The One Where I Had Drunk Too Much Tea”

  1. Lol! I have relieved myself in more English fields than I care to remember. Usually it is a case of “Wow that was close!” as fellow walkers and dogs appear. The only time I was seen was up in Yorkshire by a guy on a tractor. At least he had the manners not to wave and call out 🙈🐵🙉

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ha! Oh he knew, Lana, as we say around these parts “He was takin’ the rise outta me!”

      It never used to bother me in the slightest but then I wasn’t needing to go every fifteen minutes when I was a young ‘un. One day, knowing my luck, on my third encounter with the same person, I will get reported for purposely flashing or something equally hideous lol Something must be done!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. This made me LOL! On a walking tour once I had to find some shrubbery with decent height. There wasn’t any. So I waited for the group to be far enough ahead thinking I’d be safe. Wrong. A straggler walked by, had a look and thankfully was embarrassed enough to keep on moving 😀

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hehe! Oh it is Sod’s Law as we say around these parts…typical! We often don’t see a soul for the first bit of our wanderings but as soon as drop my undergarments they appear out of nowhere, sometimes coach loads of them as happened on one occasion. Yep, YOU try holding that position for five minutes as they wander past and you hover hoping nobody looks up and across. I blame my mother. Childhood trips out in the car were always interspersed with her investigating passing random woods…she said she was christening them 😀

      Liked by 1 person

    1. We’ll see who is laughing when you have been in that queue for twenty minutes for the only female toilet for miles around and I flash my pipe at you as I go past looking smug. Ooh I could go in the mens then too…perfectly legal as I can just flash the extention to the doorman as proof of eligibility. No queues. It’s a plan with no drawbacks…well, maybe a couple but I can spray a can of something floral before me and all will be as it should. Yes, I’ll do that. 😂😂😂

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Oh wow, I totally admire you. Talk about grace under pressure. Regarding full menopause, honestly it just stopped one November and that’s been it. Occassional hot flashes, especially after a glass of red wine. I think perimenopause was harder, crying jags, flooding, food cravings.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Oh. My. Word!!!! I was struggling not to laugh out loud as my husband is sitting right next to me and I really did not want to explain this dilemma to him. (he would have way too many comments). This is a true dilemma though. Having raised three sons and gone on numerous camping weekends that involved long hikes I have found myself using a wilderness toilet (behind shrubs) often.
    On the menopause. I thought I was done….for 9 months and then nope. Now it has been 3 months again so I am ever hopeful. My dr. tells me I need to be free of it for a year before I can consider myself truly finished.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Haha – You’ve cheered up an old ‘post menopausal’ bird’s night with this post Ms A!! Laughing loudly at the image of you half naked behind that bush being ‘peered down on’ by man on horse! Bet that one got talked about by him for a good few years..
    Once you’ve tested out those ‘pee devices’ I’m expecting a post to clarify which is ‘best’ as having being caught out twice stuck in 6 hour hold up on the motorway, these seem like a good idea to carry as an essential ‘car emergency’ item.. so ‘BARE’ that in mind when you’re reviewing said items..
    Love your Xmas ‘header’ too!
    Have a fab weekend and hope you’re all sorted for the ‘big day’ (I’m not..) x

    Liked by 1 person

  6. That is hilarious! I am still learning new things every day and I have always had issues doing this in pubic, so this seems like a very useful tool! Unfortunately, I don’t know about the signs of menopause yet, but I am anxiously awaiting the day my monthly enemy disappears forever!

    Liked by 1 person

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